Spaghetti and Survival

There are days where I look in the mirror and I don’t know who the reflection is staring back at me. That feeling first came over me after I brushed my hand through my hair and a clump of my long brown locks sat in the palm of my hand. Truth is, some days I have a hard time distinguishing between the two periods of my life - Before Cancer and After Cancer. Some days I actually have a hard time even remembering that there was a time in my life where cancer wasn’t a part of my every day. Then there are days where I try to recollect the memories during my diagnosis and treatments and I can’t remember a damn thing. They tell me that repressing memories is a symptom of PTSD which I now suffer from.

It’s been six years since I was told “You have cancer.” Six years of tears and triumphs. Six years of gaining relationships and losing friends to the same disease that also tried to take my life. Six years of memories and heartache. You truly don’t realize how time can go so fast but so slow at the same time until you face a life-changing obstacle.

January 18th, 2012 was the day my life changed forever. The year prior I had been in and out of hospitals trying to figure out what was ‘wrong’ with me. I was suffering from what everyone thought and what each doctor was diagnosing as gallbladder attacks. It was true that I was suffering from severe pain because I did indeed have gallstones, but that wasn’t what was causing me to be sick.

I remember January 17th so clearly. I had to skip a few classes at MUN (my university at the time) because I had an ultrasound appointment on my abdomen to see how many gallstones I had. Nothing to it. Simple. As I laid on the table and the technician circled my stomach and took the pictures, I watched the computer screen. As she moved towards the lower left side of my abdomen, I noticed there was something different on the screen--a lump, maybe? ‘Okay, Sam, don’t freak out,’ I thought to myself.

The technician explained how she had to go and get a doctor to show the pictures to. At that moment, I knew something was up. My mother was actually in the room with me and I could tell she was concerned. Technicians don’t just up and leave to go get the doctor. I had enough tests done in the past year and a bit to know that’s not how those things work.

When she came back into the room with the doctor, she showed him the computer screen and they talked in medical lingo as if trying not to make whatever was wrong obvious. The doctor said a few words and left the room. The technician explained that my family doctor would let me know the results when she got the report.

The next day (January 18th), I went to classes just like any other regular day. I had midterms approaching and passing them was the main thing on my mind. I tried to push aside the fact that my ultrasound the day before was kind of strange, but I thought if anything was terribly wrong, they would have let me know right away.

Later that afternoon as I got home from MUN, my mother called asking if I wanted to go to my sister’s in Torbay for supper. My parents were in the city for a few days so I agreed to have supper with them that evening.

Once supper time came around, I packed up a few of my textbooks and notes in a bag. I knew I would be down to my sister’s for a few hours, so a little bit of studying amongst hanging out with family wouldn’t hurt. I was set on getting good marks on my midterms.

Once I got to Torbay and sat around the table and ate supper, I could tell there was a weird vibe. Mom had made spaghetti for me because it was my favorite food (after this day I can safely say I’m no longer crazy about spaghetti). My sister just looked at Mom and said, “Are you going to tell her?”

“Tell me what?” I asked.

“The doctor called and explained that you have gallstones but they found something else. She explained it as a calcified mass in your abdomen,” Mom said.

“What does that mean?” I questioned, puzzled. Obviously, I knew it wasn’t a great thing to hear.

“It means it could be cancer!” my sister responded.

The conversation continued about what my doctors said--this is not the post or time to bore you with such medical jargon. Long story short, it turned out to be cancer, and a weird cancer at that. I was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma, a rare pediatric cancer that usually only happens in children, but I was one of the handful of people in the world to be diagnosed as an adult. Yay, lucky me! *sarcastic eye roll*

My cancer story is a long one with a lot of ups and downs. Honestly, I was high on drugs for the majority of it and I truthfully can’t remember much (or maybe it’s the repression of memories, or chemo brain, whichever). Sadly, after my first diagnosis, I relapsed again only ten months later. I remember coming home from the gym (where I spent the majority of my free time and to this day, it is my safe haven) and my mother standing in the kitchen just staring at me. I knew something was up and that was when she told me that my oncologist called and my cancer was back with avengence.

I underwent a long and difficult protocol to get my disease under control. Neuroblastoma’s treatment plan hasn’t changed in years, so I was being treated the same as an infant. This is something I absolutely do not stand by--I am not a child, therefore I shouldn’t have the same treatment as one and there should be more done for adults who are diagnosed with pediatric cancers, but that’s for another blog post.

Chemotherapy both inpatient and outpatient, surgeries, travelling to different parts of the province for different treatments, radiation, stem cell harvesting, a stem cell/bone marrow transplant, immunizations, sickness, bone pain, hair loss, infertility, losing my hearing, tinnitus, seeing friends pass away from cancer, bone marrow biopsies...the list goes on and on. That was my life and as much as I don’t want to admit, it very much still is my life.

There are countless stories I could tell you of things that have happened over the last six years and I’m sure one day I will get those stories out on paper. But for now, I’ll leave you with this--cherish every breath you take. Even the worst days only have 24 hours and you can make it through them. There were many days over the last six years that I thought would be my last. I actually remember one night, lying beside my mother, telling her I was ready to go. I literally could feel my heart slowing and I thought I was moments away from leaving this planet forever, but somehow, I’m still here, surviving every single day, and I’m here to tell you, so can you. No matter what you’re going through, however big or small the mountains are that you must climb, you can overcome them. There will be times in your life where you are at your wits end and you cannot take anymore but you have to muster every ounce of courage inside that amazing little heart of yours and make it through ‘til tomorrow. There will come a time when all your battles and all your heartache will be over and you will be so happy you pushed yourself to keep going. Whether you are battling a physical illness, mental illness, addictions, going through an abusive relationship, or just feel lost, there is a reason you are on this earth and one day you will find happiness.

Love completely, forgive entirely, and live graciously. Remember, you are wonderful. You are powerful. And you are stronger than ANY obstacle life throws your way, cancer or not.

So, here’s to January 18th, 2018. Six years later and I’m still alive. I’m still trying to find my ‘new normal.’ I’m not even sure what my ‘new normal’ is or if I’ll ever find it. But for now, I’m learning how to survive day to day and attempting to learn how to enjoy spaghetti again.

Book in the Spotlight: The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks

By Rebecca Skloot

A book that touches the heart and leaves its reader questioning their very existence, is indeed an excellent book. And this is that book.

There is a lot of scientific and political jargon that the reader needs to get through, but with patience, because you have to read that too in order to get the full scope of the book and the person you are reading about, it is mind and soul gripping.

It is the book of a strong, courageous woman that undergoes the tortuous struggle of cervical cancer and loses the battle with grace and dignity. But in the end, because she was a poor black woman and her family was never taken into consideration, she was stripped of her cancer cells by doctors to use for the study into cell regeneration--known as HeLa--the first immortalized cell line.

The cells were taken from a tumor biopsied during the treatment for her cervical cancer at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, Maryland in 1951 and cultured by George Otto Gey who created the cell line. These cells, known as HeLa are still being used today for medical research.

No one from Henrietta’s family ever knew the cells were being harvested, tested, and sold for research and use. There was much money made from the selling of these cells, but yet the family received none and they were so poor they could not even afford medical insurance.

This is a heartbreaking story of a woman dying and never knowing the great importance of her contribution to so many. And a family that nearly never knew the contribution her mother made to the world for so many people. This book will touch you so deeply that you will feel the need, in your heart, to thank this woman whom you will never know, but will no doubt play some role in your life.

Book in the Spotlight: The Handmaid's Tale

The Handmaid’s Tale

By Margaret Atwood

This blog post was written by a guest writer. Enjoy their take on The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood:

I am not a reader of Margaret Atwood novels, but when I saw the television advertisements depicting this novel, I was quite intrigued.

The novel was written in 1985 and tells of how people’s lives were changed from a life of freedom, into a totalitarian life style.

As I was reading this novel, I became enthralled by it and could hardly put it down.  It makes one think what life could be like if this actually happened now in this day and age.  Women were being treated as baby mills to the state and life for these handmaidens was nothing but the realization that they were the vessels of the future generations.

It also brought to reality that this could easily happen.  Where life itself held no love between husband and wife, friendships nonexistent, women’s rights were no more...and women meant nothing.

We all want a book to grip us, but this book makes us look at our reality and question our own existence.  Margaret Atwood did an excellent job in making the reader think about how we would feel if our own world were to change...and not change for the better. 

This book brought a fear to myself and made me question my importance in this world.  Women have a hard battle being heard and made equal in society.  This book strips all equality from a woman and belittles her importance.  It demoralizes our very existence and freedoms we have long ago fought for.

My rating for this book out of 5....would be 4.5.  It is well written and thought provoking.  Pick it up when you get a chance. You will not be disappointed. 

Book in the Spotlight: Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur

for this blog post, i am going to talk about milk and honey by rupi kaur. you may be wondering why i am writing this in all lowercase. the answer is because that is how this book is written. in all lowercase and no punctuation other than a period. which is obviously grammatically incorrect but to celebrate this book, i am going to write this post in all lowercase (i have to add punctuation though. my inner editor won't let me take this too far).

first off, why does rupi kaur write in all lowercase? to figure out the answer to this, i had to do some digging and i was quite interested in the answer i found. the following is the explanation she has posted on her website:

"although i can read and understand my mother tongue (punjabi) i do not have the skillset to write poetry in it. to write punjabi means to use gurmukhi script. and within this script there are no uppercase or lowercase letters. all letters are treated the same. i enjoy how simple that is. how symmetrical and how absolutely straightforward. i also feel there is a level of equality this visuality brings to the work. a visual representation of what i want to see more of within the world: equalness.

and the only punctuation that exists within gurmukhi script is a period. which is represented through the following symbol: |

so in order to preserve these small details of my mother language I include them within this language. no case distinction and only periods. a world within a world. which is what i am as an immigrant. as a diasporic punjabi sikh woman. it is less about breaking the rules of english (although that’s pretty fun) but more about tying in my own history and heritage within my work."

rupi's reasoning is quite interesting in my opinion.

so let's dive into this review, shall we? what is this book about? well, it's a poetry book! i'm amazed at how popular this book has become, and how quick! poetry is beautiful and the fact that so many young people have picked up this book and are reading it is amazing. bravo, rupi.

rupi's writing is, well...different. instead of using crazy metaphors, personifications, and analogies in her poetry, rupi keeps it simple. she has written this book in a way that millennials will understand and not some ridiculous shakespearean language that no one understands this day in age.

she has poured out her life into milk and honey. the back cover explains that it is her journey of life through poetry. milk and honey is broken down into four sections, "the hurting," "the loving," "the breaking," and "the healing." each chapter serves as an explanation to different pains and have different purposes. this book explores the depths of femininity, love, loss, rape, violence, pain, anger, heartache, and abuse. 

although the way the poetry is written isn't exactly mind-blowing, it does get the younger generation reading. the variety in rupi's work can speak to anyone and readers may relate to several of the poems in this collection.

i enjoyed how there are illustrations within the text that were drawn by the author herself. the pictures add another depth of emotion and correlate with the poems extremely well.

i give milk and honey a four out of five stars. i enjoyed it because it is easy to understand and follow, it is an easy and fast read, people can relate to it, and it has gotten so many people reading. also, because rupi kaur first self-published the manuscript! :D

what do you think of milk and honey?

Tinni...what?!

How weird is it to go from being told you are completely healthy to being told you've had cancer for 20-something years? Well, I can tell you first-hand that it is extremely weird. But that's not what I want to get into today--rather something that was brought on by this strange cancer diagnosis of mine.

I was always able to hear well. My ears worked fine (my eyes on the other hand, well, I've always been pretty much blind). I actually thought my hearing was one of my better senses...until chemotherapy.

Now, I'm not an oncologist so I may have some details of this post wrong. Please don't think I know everything about Neuroblastoma treatment (truth is, I don't). I only know my case. 

During my treatments, I was given extremely high doses of a chemotherapy drug called cisplatin. Little did I know at the beginning of treatments that this drug would cause my inner ear to create 24/7 constant ringing. You know when you go to a concert and you're standing close to a speaker and you get the buzzing and ringing in your head for a few hours or days? I have that ringing constantly--for almost three years now. That is the best way I know how to describe it (or a table-saw!). This ringing is called tinnitus and although it is "invisible" to others, it is extremely debilitating.

Along with my tinnitus, I developed hearing loss from the cisplatin. Not everyone that has cisplatin develops a hearing impairment, but, of course, I had to be one of the people who did! 

For several months during my treatments, my tinnitus and hearing loss caused me to become extremely depressed. I would be in a hospital bed for weeks at a time and cry every single night because of the noise in my head/ears that just would not go away. It caused me to not be able to sleep which created even more depression and it was an endless cycle.

I was often frustrated because of having to constantly ask people to repeat themselves when they would talk and would fake a laugh or force a smile when someone would tell me that I said "what?" too much. But, the truth of the matter was that I was irritated more because I honestly could not hear them over the ringing! 

The depression would, and still does to this day, sink in when people become "annoyed" when I ask them to repeat themselves. If someone was in a wheelchair and asked for help, people wouldn't think twice about helping them. So, just because a hearing disability isn't visible, doesn't mean you should make a person feel like an annoyance.

To this day, I brush it off. I'm the "deaf" friend who isn't quite deaf enough to be considered completely "disabled", but I'm not "hearing" enough to be considered "normal." So, where does this put people like me? We're in the middle. And that's okay. It's okay to be different whether it's because of a physical cause like mine or something else!

Be proud of who you are and what you've overcome. Be proud that you are unique and you have so much to offer the world. Own your tinnitus, whatever your "tinnitus" might be.

How to get out of a writing slump!

Every writer has periods in their life where it seems like no matter what, they cannot get back into the swing of things with their writing--either because they're just too lazy, unmotivated, or just can't seem to find time. Personally, I have writing slumps more times than I think one should, but it happens to the best of us! We're only humans, not writing robots.

Here are some tips that could get you out of that awful writing slump:

1. Step away from your work.

What I mean by this is put your manuscript or whatever it is you are working on on hold for a while--I know this seems strange as a writing slump is essentially not connecting with your work, but taking the time to step back (not for too long) and taking some time to yourself to let your brain relax and refresh could be all you need to spark a new idea.

2. Find a new perspective.

Writing from a certain character's point of view? Why not change things up a bit and brainstorm and make jot notes from a different character's point of view. Doing this may add different dimensions and plot points to your story that you never even knew existed.

3. Set goals.

This is pretty obvious, but setting goals and deadlines for yourself could be the drive you need. Start small and set short term goals that are realistic and attainable.

4. Find a fresh set of eyes.

Why not enlist the help of a close friend or family member? Getting advice and feedback from someone you trust with your work can generate new ideas. Ask them what they think of certain characters and plot points and what they liked or disliked. Take this time to make changes to your manuscript.

5. Try a different environment.

I find writing in the same place, at the same time, every day can get boring and monotonous. Changing up your scenery could set a new tone for your writing and will help you feel refreshed.

6. Stop editing.

Turn off your inner editor and just write. Get your ideas out on the page and forget about your grammatical and spelling errors. The world needs to hear your story--worry about the minor details later.

7. Move around.

Get up from from your desk, kitchen table, sofa, whatever, and move around. Try some relaxing breathing techniques or a few yoga poses to calm your mind. Go to the fridge and get a snack.

8. Try something new.

Change up your writing style. Are you writing a young adult manuscript? Why not change it up for a while and write some poetry. You can always come back to your major project when you feel ready.

The Connection Between Cancer and Leggings

I currently own countless pairs of leggings--more than what should be owned by one person. On the contrary, I only own four pairs of jeans. Four pairs of jeans in which I never wear simply because of the size on the tag and the feeling that I get when I put them on.

Leggings have become my best friend over the past two years since finishing chemotherapy and radiation.

During cancer treatments your body will either love you or hate you. As a cancer patient, you think your body hates you anyway because it's doing everything in its power to work against you and make you more ill than you already are because of the stupid cancer. There are, however, a few lucky patients that actually don't get too ill. I, unfortunately, was not one of those lucky few.

You see cancer stories on YouTube or elsewhere online, or on TV that tell about how so-and-so ran a 5K while getting treatments, or how yoga and eating well can help you during treatments. In my case, I couldn't leave the bed to go to the bathroom without puking my guts up, yet alone make a decent sandwich or something. I was one of the unlucky ones. My body hated me. I became so drugged up and so sick from all the toxins that are chemotherapy going into my system that I could barely keep my eyes open for five minutes in the run of a day. The time I spent getting treatments, I spent high on drugs. I can barely recall things that happened or people who visited me while I was sick. My body was a toxic pit.

During this time, I was either extremely nauseated and leaning over a toilet (while not realizing I would reach back to hold my non-existent hair from falling in the toilet) or eating everything I could get my hands on (when I didn't have my mouth full of sores or yeast infections from the treatments). I was either starving and not able to keep any food down or I was a 600lbs obese man eating everything under the sun. There was no in between.

So what does this have to do with leggings? Well, after treatment my appetite came back. They don't tell you that steroids will make you eat your own body weight in McDonald's, but that's essentially what happened. I ate everything I had missed out on during treatments and I enjoyed every last bit of it until I started looking in the mirror more. You see, when I was going through treatments, I barely looked in the mirror because the person staring back at me, wasn't me. I was bald, skinny, and sickly. I wasn't the healthy person I once was. But when the hair started to grow back, that became a bit easier, and with each inch of hair growth, came three inches on the waistline. Leggings were the one thing that I felt comfortable in and were somewhat socially acceptable to wear as pants so I wasn't constantly wearing sweats everywhere. It didn't matter how many pounds I put on, the leggings would fit regardless...so I threw out all my old clothes and settled for a body I didn't quite ask for. 

Cancer does a lot to a person emotionally and most times body image isn't the first thing we think of. It isn't vain to want to look like you did pre-cancer treatment, it's human. You want to feel like your old self. It's not possible to be who you used to be before cancer (or any traumatic event in your life), but you have to take the healthy steps to becoming a better person in the body and mind you have now.

I'm so excited to get back into jeans and throw out all those leggings some day.

Book in the Spotlight: Someone Like You by Sarah Dessen

Book in the Spotlight: Someone Like You by Sarah Dessen

For this blog, we will recap the YA novel by Sarah Dessen called Someone Like You. 

To be completely honest, I'm not a huge reader of romance novels--something about them just drives me insane, so the thought of reading this book sort of turned my stomach. I shouldn't be so quick to judge a book by its cover, literally. My feelings about romance novels quickly changed after I read this book.

This story starts off with your typical teenage girls in high school until one of the main character's boyfriends die in an accident. It isn't long until we find out that she is pregnant with said boyfriend's child. The other main character falls in love with the typical bad boy who turns her life upside down. Together, the two girls try to make it through high school with all this drama and the new baby coming.

I don't want to give away too much of the novel in case there are people reading this post who have never read the book and would like to. But the way Sarah Dessen has taken a typical teenage romance and turned it for a loop is incredible. There are so many twists and turns that the reader will never get bored! Not to mention, it's a quick read. 

I have never read one of Sarah Dessen's books before but after reading this story, I'm sure I'll pick another one up along the way. I would give this book a 3.5 out of 5. There are some things that are dragged out and predictable but in the end, the author tied it all together and took the reader's imagination for a spin.

The Writing Process: Take Two

Happy Thursday!

A year ago I wrote a post about the writing process and I thought why don’t I write an updated version?!

Within this past year, I have learned a lot more than what I thought I knew about the writing process and a lot more about what it means to be an indie author.

Let’s begin with the basics—writing a book is frickin’ hard work, for instance, I have been working on Dream Catcher since April 2013, and it’s not finished yet. Three years I have spent slaving over that manuscript even throughout my cancer treatments. It has been a wonderful, yet tiring, experience.

First there’s an idea. An idea can spark from anywhere. The idea for Cleo’s adventure in Dream Catcher came to me when I was driving up the road of my hometown, out of thin air. I knew I wanted to write something, but this idea came to me out of the blue. I think with all creative minds, our brains are developed to spark new ideas and always look for inspiration in the simple things.

Next, there’s brainstorming. This is one of my favorite parts of the writing process. You can literally throw any ideas onto a page and let your imagination run wild. There’s no need to worry about if the story fits together perfectly at this point. You have so much freedom with brainstorming and you can let the story flow in so many different directions. This is the basis of your soon-to-be manuscript. This is the part where you design the world in which your characters live, the relationships among those characters, and the whole plot of your story.

Then you begin to write your first draft. This will be the first of many, many drafts. I cannot even tell you how many times I have re-wrote Dream Catcher. But don’t worry, the first draft can be garbage, so to speak. The main point of the first draft is to get the story out on paper. Do not worry about editing yet. Don’t change your mistakes—go back and do that later.

After the first draft comes editing and rewriting. This is the part that most authors hate about the writing process. Writing the book is fun! Editing…not so much. It is the part where you have to spend the most time. This should take twice as long as writing the book. You have to go over plot holes, world building, character development, grammar and spelling, and the list goes on. You will have to write and write until you get sick of looking at your own words. But don’t give up yet, this is just one hurtle you will have to get over to get to the end goal. All of the frustration will be worth it in the end.

Let’s just say you have all your rewrites complete—now what do you do? Well, the choice is completely up to you. If you are thinking about going the traditional route, you will have to find a literary agent through writing query letters, and keeping fingers crossed you will be picked up. Then you will hopefully be signed by a publishing house. If you choose to go through self-publishing, well, your road is very long (but rewarding). You will have to market and publish your book all on your own.

Either way, like in a previous post from a few weeks ago, whichever way you choose to publish, is completely up to you! Both are great! Even if you choose not to publish, having written an entire story or manuscript is an achievement in itself. Way to go, you!

Book in the Spotlight: See Me by Nicholas Sparks

Book in the Spotlight: See Me by Nicholas Sparks

This Thursday's Book in the Spotlight is See Me by Nicholas Sparks. This review is written by a Guest Writer who will remain anonymous. Here is what they had to say about this novel:

Once again Nicholas Sparks has outdone himself with the novel “See Me”. 

Nicholas Sparks has an uncanny way of drawing people into every book he writes; this book being no different. Although I found it to be very different than his usual writing, it was nonetheless a great page turner. 

His books are wonderful love stories with people’s lives thrown together for some unforeseen reason. This book holds much intriguing mystery with the two main characters. There is the mixture of friendship, desire, family togetherness, sadness, thriller, and happiness all combined into a wonderful novel that is hard to put down.

This novel deals with bullies and the family outcome in dealing with the situation along with the heartache that is attributed to a family not being able to find a way to overcome it. It deals with two very different people coming together and falling in love, without letting all the obstacles of their backgrounds (life and family) keep them apart. It deals with not understanding heartache and then the fallout from it.

If you plan on reading this book, make sure you do it at a time when you came fully immerse yourself into and you have no other distractions. You will not want to put it down because it will capture your interest right from the beginning. 

If I were to rate this book from 1-5 (5 being the best) I would give it a 4. Not because it wasn’t deserving of a perfect 5, but because I still have my favorites that Nicholas Sparks has written. And, if you are a fan of his, I am certain you have your favorites also.  Enjoy J

Life After Cancer - What Now?

What does it mean to go back to normal? What is normal anyway? Normal could mean different things to different people but for those who go through a cancer diagnosis, we know getting a "new" normal can be quite scary, and well, hard to adjust to. We want to be able to do what we once were able to do but the sad truth is our bodies are often not capable to go back to what they were. We suffer from both physical and mental hurtles that make us incapable of going back to the normal we once knew.

That's what its been like for me. I used to be able to spend hours in the gym multiple times a week. I would never get tired so fast as what I do now. Now it's different. I get tired from just walking from one room to another in my house. So now that I'm adjusting to my "new" normal, what's next?

As a cancer survivor, I know the first thing my medical team, family and myself were worried about was getting rid of the disease that was taking control of my body. I mean, I was stage III, there is only up to stage IV. We had to get rid of the crap that was floating around in my body and organs before it spread to be the worst stage. With neuroblastoma, once it spreads to the rest of your organs, there's pretty much no looking back. So now that the initial surviving the disease is over, what now?

I'm sure many cancer survivors wonder this when they get the great news that they're in remission. Everyone always applauds the great news of remission but no one talks about how the side effects of treatment and the aftermath of beating the disease is just as brutal, if not worse than treatments. So what do we do? Where do we go from here? What is our normal?

I think there needs to be more emphasis on the side effects and the "new" normal that cancer survivors will have to go through after their treatments. I think we need to talk about it more and as a community of survivors, we should build off each other and help each other heal and find out what this normalcy is we are all searching for. It could help answer the question "what now?"

I started this blog in 2013 as a way for exposure for my writing. I never thought I would be writing about cancer. And although my blog is focused on books and writing related topics, I think people need to be educated more on cancer and the aftermath of the disease. So if writing this blog with a random cancer blurb from time to time helps someone discover that they're not alone and that we can find our "new" normal, I'll continue writing. After all, the writing community helped me in my darkest times and I'm glad to say that writing will always be my "normal."

Book in the Spotlight: I Am Malala by Malala Yousafzai

Book in the Spotlight: I Am Malala by Malala Yousafzai

July's Book in the Spotlight's blog post is by a guest writer who wishes to remain anonymous. Here is what she has to say about this book.

This month’s book review is of an inspiring young girl that faced all odds to try and push her culture to believing the need for all girls to have an education. She took great risks and stood up against the Taliban and spoke openly of her views of the importance of good education and the important role women play in the future of their country. In doing so, she paid a heavy price of being shot by the Taliban. But she was not one to be silenced and after her recovery she went on to win The Nobel Peace Prize at the age of 17.

Reading this book made me wonder if us, women and young girls in particular, realize how fortunate we are to live in a civilized world - to be able to freely go about our lives, take part in everything around us, have a good education, career, and to be able to speak our minds freely without the fear of being persecuted or killed.

"One child, one teacher, one book, and one pen, can change the world." --From a speech given to the UN Youth Assembly, just nine months after her attempted assassination.

She shows much forgiveness in her struggles after being assassinated. We could all learn from such a brave and courageous young girl.

"If he [the Talib] comes, what would you do Malala? …If you hit a Talib with your shoe, then there will be no difference between you and the Talib. You must not treat others…with cruelty...you must fight others but through peace, through dialogue and through education…then I'll tell him [the Talib] how important education is and that I even want education for your children as well… that's what I want to tell you, now do what you want." --In a Daily Show interview.

This book took some time to get into because I found the writing to be a bit “scrambled” at times – events going from place to place. But eventually it began to flow and it actually became a good read. I am very impressed by this young girl and if ever there was a chance to meet her, I would not hesitate. Every young girl should read this book and thank God that they live in such a free world and to never, ever take anything for granted – especially their education.

I would give this book a 3.5 for the format and written structure, but I would definitely give it a 4.5 for the story.  

It's Okay to Say No...

Just like the title of this post says, it's okay to say "no." Sometimes it's for the better if we say "no" than to worry and wonder what could have happened if we didn't say "yes" to something we didn't want to do.

I'm the type of person, like many "stereotypical" shy writer types, that although we have a big voice in the literary world when it comes to our writing and the products we write for the world to see, in our real lives, we're quiet, shy, passive. It's hard for us to turn down an opportunity, or better yet, we feel that we need to say "yes" to any and all opportunities because we feel we have to. 

Maybe you're not a writer, maybe you're just like anyone else and also feel it hard to say "no" to someone. Has this ever happened to you, even when you didn't want to do something, you felt like you absolutely had to say "yes?"

This was my dilemma when I was going through cancer treatments. As you know, or maybe you don't know, which if that's the case - hi. I had Stage III High-Risk Neuroblastoma, which is a cancer that occurs in children (I must be a giant baby). It usually occurs on the adrenal gland or in the abdomen, etc. Basically, my nerve cells that were supposed to mature and form functioning things in my body, didn't - they stayed immature and formed tumors. Ta-da! Neuroblastoma!

I went through the standard chemotherapy, stem cell transplant, surgeries and radiation that Neuroblastoma patients get but then I was threw for a loop. There was a clinical trial available to patients that qualified called immunotherapy. At the time, I was just happy to have chemo over with, I didn't even bother to look up what this new clinical trial was, but when I did, the results scared me. Immunotherapy, for the short version, is when you are injected with drugs that find cancer cells and destroy them, using your own immune system. It teaches your immune system to fight and destroy these cancer cells. Cool, right?! I thought so too. 

I learned pretty fast while going through treatment that I should look up the side effects to any and all drugs that were put in my body, instead of listening to what others had to say. I had already suffered extreme tinnitus (constant ringing in the ears, which also is quite painful!) from one of the chemo drugs, which also resulted in me not being able to take certain antibiotics for the rest of my life. So I learned to watch for dangerous side effects. When I was handed a huge booklet of the potential side effects of immunotherapy, my answer went from "yes" to "no." I knew right then and there that there was no way I was going to go through with the rest of my treatment. Some of the side effects were simple, like dry skin and lips. Okay, I could deal with those, but when I read blindness and that it could stop your heart (AKA, you're dead), my mind did a 360! Yes, this therapy could save my life, but what's a life if you're suffering for the rest of it? Why would I want to go through with it if I already had one problem (cancer) to make more (blindness, lung problems, kidney failure, heart failure, etc.)?! It was out of the question. I didn't want to be a vegetable hooked up to a ventilator or life support.

It was a tough blow for some people that I had come so far in my treatments and I actually surprised myself that I stood up for what I thought was right for myself, after all, I believed everyone else knew what was best for me. But I was just too sick and my body could not handle any more than what it had already endured.

There was no guarantee that this clinical trial would work on me at all. It was a study - a study for babies. I was 20-something at the time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is it's okay to say "no" sometimes when you feel it's best for you, even if it's not what everyone else thinks is best for you. Only you know what you want. 

Just some food for thought, so to say. :)

Book in the Spotlight: The Princess Bride by William Goldman

Book in the Spotlight: The Princess Bride by William Goldman

For this month's book review, I decided to pick one that is near and dear to my heart - The Princess Bride. I am pretty biased about this book as it is my favorite novel (which is why I've read it seven or so times).

To start, here is the Goodreads summary:

"What happens when the most beautiful girl in the world marries the handsomest prince of all time and he turns out to be...well...a lot less than the man of her dreams?

As a boy, William Goldman claims, he loved to hear his father read the S. Morgenstern classic, The Princess Bride. But as a grown-up he discovered that the boring parts were left out of good old Dad's recitation, and only the "good parts" reached his ears.

Now Goldman does Dad one better. He's reconstructed the "Good Parts Version" to delight wise kids and wide-eyed grownups everywhere.

What's it about? Fencing. Fighting. True Love. Strong Hate. Harsh Revenge. A Few Giants. Lots of Bad Men. Lots of Good Men. Five or Six Beautiful Women. Beasties Monstrous and Gentle. Some Swell Escapes and Captures. Death, Lies, Truth, Miracles, and a Little Sex.

In short, it's about everything."

If you're into adventure and fantasy, this book is for you. It's the one book I could never put down no matter how many times I have read it. It has the ability to intrigue readers of any age.

It is about a girl named Buttercup and her journey to be with her true love, Westley. She is pretty much forced to marry Prince Humperdinck though (she finally gives into it) but when she hears that Westley may be dead, she claims she will never love again.

Buttercup is kidnapped by a trio of bad guys and eventually Westley comes to her rescue and they embark on their journey to escape all the trouble they encounter. 

Undoubtedly, I give this novel a 5 out of 5. It is by far my favorite book. 

Now go get yourself a copy and read! I promise you, you won't be disappointed.

What if...?

The connotation when one thinks of the giant C-word isn't usually a good one. Cancer doesn't present itself at your doorstep in a suit and tie with a bouquet of flowers. It shows up out of nowhere, ready to destroy everything you are.

When I think of cancer, I actually think of a lot of things and one of the biggest things is, what would my life be life if I never had cancer?

Truth is, no one's life is perfect. I think we all know that. Everyone has their problems whether it be at work, at home, at school, illnesses, deaths, breakups, whatever. Each and every person has demons that they face but have you ever really thought about what your life would be like if you never had those issues?

I wonder what mine would be like sometimes if I was never born with cancer - if I were "normal." If I had things my way, I would be an author with an insane amount of books under my belt. I would have three dogs, in a huge house, with a nice car. Maybe a husband. But, reality is that that's not my life.

Life had different plans for me and your life may have different plans for you. Who's to say we shouldn't enjoy how our cards are handed to us, whether we think it sucks or not.

I wonder how my life would have played out if I never had cancer.

I wouldn't be worried about every pain or ache I get in my body. I wouldn't be scared that the cancer could come back and that I'd have to go through treatment again. Every possible pain I get floods my memory with hospitals, needles, my port, chemo...

I wouldn't have lost my long hair. I would have felt like I looked normal.

I wouldn't have gained so much weight after treatment because I would have stayed on my healthy lifestyle that I had made for myself. I wouldn't be beating myself up day in and day out because of my outer appearance post-cancer.

There are a lot of things that I wonder about and how my life would be if I didn't have cancer, but then I remember what cancer has taught me...

Its taught me to be strong. I'm proud to say that I'm one of the strongest people I know.

Its taught me to love each and every day, the good and the bad (and the boring).

I've met some of the most amazing people on the way who have become life-long friends.

I'm proud of the outlook on life cancer has given me. I wouldn't trade that for all the healthy days in the world. It's a blessing to be alive.

Body Image and Cancer

I'm going to go off the grid a little bit today and talk about something non-writing related. Since this blog is aimed at young adult writers (and just young adults in general), I feel that talking about this issue and bringing some light to it could help others who feel the same way and somewhat feel isolated because of their feelings.

*Disclaimer: If you have a weak stomach and don't like to look at "graphic" images, I suggest you leave this post now.*

In a world where body image is the main concern of our society, where exactly do young adults (or any age for that matter) cancer survivors fit into the mix? We're not exactly the cookie-cutter image of good health and beauty. We have scars, implants, bald heads, no eyebrows or eyelashes and the list goes on.

Nobody says they want to look like the "ideal cancer patient." Nobody wants to look weak and frail or so blown up from steroids that they can't recognize themselves in the mirror anymore. Beauty falls on the celebrities or your hottest friend who just dropped 50lbs (that she certainly didn't need to lose in the first place). Women want to have long, luscious hair that reaches their butts. We all want abs of steel and will sweat out countless hours in the gym every day just to make some attempt to get them.

I know when I was first diagnosed, the fear of losing my hair was one of the scariest thoughts that ran through my head. Now looking back I'd like to slap myself. Oh silly me. My looks were the very first thing that popped into my head - not my impending health with a very real chance of dying. Nope, my long, beautiful brown hair was my first concern.

After my first surgery I had a giant scar running down my stomach. One of my first reactions when the bandage was removed was "I'll never wear a bikini again." Seriously, that was all I cared about, not the fact that the surgeons had just removed some of my cancer - I was worried about what kind of bathing suit would cover up my scar.

This scar had consumed my mind. All I wanted was some Bio-Oil or some magical cream to cover up the hideous cut that ran across the stomach I had worked so hard to get (after losing 50+ lbs).

My second surgery was the exact same thing, except this time, I was worried about how ugly the scar would look since the doctors would be cutting into the same place they had cut the first time. How much uglier could my stomach get?

The cancer wasn't my first worry which it should have been, but of course, being a 20-something year old, my health wasn't my first issue. I had plenty of years left to worry about my health. I was young, fit and had a whole life ahead of me. I needed to look half-decent, right? Oh silly me again.

Once the bandage came off from my second surgery, I couldn't help but feel utter disgust for myself. Whatever the doctors had done to my previously gross stomach, they turned it into a hack-job this time. My belly button was no longer a belly button, only a slit in my stomach (hello naval reconstruction!) and my scar was longer than before. The staples they used to close me up were messy and I just wasn't a happy camper. I started Googling stomach reconstruction in Canada.

The thought of my selfishness at the time makes me want to slap myself. Here I was, laying in a hospital bed with the people who loved me the most surrounding me and all I cared about was how my vanity would be affected. I hadn't even thought about the aggressive treatments that were around my corner in the months/year to follow. I hadn't thought about how I might potentially die. I mean, I was 20-something, I was invincible, right? Wrong. I wasn't. I had cancer and the truth was, death could quite possible be right around the corner for me but in this beauty and body image consumed world, I fell short of being the "ideal cancer patient" that was supposed to "help others." I was self-absorbed.

After a while, things started changing. I started chemotherapy and before I knew it, my long locks were cut to the floor and I was sporting a pixie cut. I had never had short hair and to be honest, it was kind of a relief to not have such heavy hair dragging on my head. But at that time, I would have given anything to have it back.

The short pixie cut soon became handfuls of hair on my pillow, in the sink, even in my mouth?! Enough was enough. Trying to look like a "normal" girl my age just wasn't possible for me. It was time to look like a cancer patient. I knew the inevitable was upon me.

So I shaved my head. It was one of the most awkward times of my life. Never had I remotely come close to having no hair. My beauty standards were officially out the window.
It wasn't long before my eyelashes and eyebrows had no hope of their own. They were soon to follow which meant I would have to use a ton of eyeliner and eyebrow pencil to make myself look like I had somewhat of a normal face. Fake eyelashes just weren't a possibility for me. They should have a cancer beauty school where they teach you to do these things, sigh.

After a while, I got used to the bald-headed me and started to go out in public (when I wasn't in the hospital) without my wig. I started to embrace the fact that this was me and this was the way I looked now, so I might as well rock it. And rock it I did. I had a pretty sweet bald head and if people stared, I would either be extremely ballsy and stare back with a type of hey-whatchu-looking-at face or I'd simply ignore them. I knew what they were thinking - "Does she have cancer? Oh poor girl." Boo hoo, poor me right? Society felt terrible for me. I felt terrible for society that I didn't fit the standards of what "normal" was. I wasn't your cookie-cutter 20-something year old. My hair was no longer down to my butt and I didn't have the perfect body. I felt bad for how people think they have to look a certain way in order to feel beautiful. For the first time, I felt beautiful as a cancer patient and I continued to barely ever wear a wig.

They don't tell you when you get your port or lines put in how to "style" them. "How am I supposed to hide these tubes coming out of my chest?" They don't teach you how to cover your scars or how to explain to people why you have these devices planted inside you. Ports and lines are the fashion of the cancer world (along with your awesome bald head, of course). I remember comparing with tons of cancer patients I met along the way what kind of line we had. But they all had one thing in common, they wanted to cover up their scars. Instead of being proud that they didn't have to get their veins poked and prodded with needles anymore and this device was ultimately saving their lives, they were worried about how to hide it. Yet again, society's standards wins.

I didn't know "chemo nails" were a thing until I discovered them on my own. My fingernails and toenails would split, crack, make lines on their own, everything...it was a mess. I talked to one of my cancer pals about it and she said she would cover them up with nail polish. Easy solution. Conforming to society again.

All in all, I learned that society is what is ugly. No matter what you look like - if you're black, white, 400lbs, 50lbs, cancer patient, etc. it doesn't matter. Everyone is beautiful in their own skin. Never conform to someone else's standards of what they think you should look like. That is what is wrong with the world today. We feel like we need to conform to the standards of how we should look.

I challenge you to look in the mirror and be happy with how you look, not just today, but every day. If you are healthy, that's all that matters. And remember, you are ALWAYS beautiful no matter what.

No Pain, No Gain

Cancer was brought into my life at the most awkward time - I was in university studying English Language and Literature, hoping to pursue a degree in Secondary Education so I could teach high school then the C-bomb came along.

Cancer popped up again after my life had taken a different direction and I had finished college for a hairstyling diploma. There it was again, peeping its ugly head around the corner.

I'm not going to rant about my cancer story (and for those of you who call it a 'journey', stop now. It ain't no journey). That's for a different post. I wanted to bring up the topic that falls heavily into my cancer story and that is that I actually wrote about it. For Camp NaNoWriMo this past April, I wrote a novel called "Sh!t Happens." Yes, it has the word shit in the title. Get over it.

I was constantly told during my treatments that since I'm a writer, I should try writing about my experience with cancer. At the time, the last thing I wanted to do was write about being sick all the time. I had to live it each day so the furthest thing from my mind was putting it into words when I could barely write things I wanted to write in the first place.

My first manuscript that I started in 2013 was put on hold during my struggle with cancer. It irritated me so much that cancer could so easily take away something I worked so hard on for so long and there was nothing I could do to fight back. Every single time I thought about trying to write my manuscript, I couldn't because it was not my best work. I didn't want to write something if I wasn't 100% into it. I didn't want to write pure shit. But that's what it was becoming on those rare few days when I could manage to sit at my laptop and hit the keys on my keyboard. It was total garbage.

I went into a state of depression. Everyone thought I was depressed because of the cancer, the fact that I was dying and all the brutal side effects that came with it. Yes, that upset me but in all honesty, I was more upset about the fact that I could die knowing that I never finished my manuscript. It sounds stupid and that I should have been more focused on my health rather than my writing but when you're put in the cancer shoes, nothing matters to you only your one true love - mine was (and is) writing.

Days spent in hospital beds turned into long nights thinking about characters and plot development and how I may not get to finish telling my story that I had worked so hard and so long on. It had to be finished, that's all I cared about.

While everyone was focused on me, I was focused on my main characters, Cleo and Asha. As much as my life needed to be saved - I needed to save theirs in my novel.

Time went on and now looking back, I realize that through all my struggles with getting cancer at the age of nineteen and finishing treatments close to my twenty-third birthday had led me to this point. It made me see that I was born to do this. I was born to write and tell the story of Cleo and Asha.

I'm happy to say that as of this day, Cleo and Asha's story is in the editing process and I am currently working on query letters (if you don't know what that is, check out my other blog posts).

But with all that being said, I flash-backed to the time when everyone would tell me to write my cancer story and I actually managed to do that last month. After some time of healing and being able to talk about my struggle, I finally put it into words.

I learned that without my pain, there would be no gain of this story to have been written. I wrote about my neuroblastoma and how many people don't know about it and how it does happen in adults. Maybe some day there will be a cure, but right now I'm happy I'm alive and able to share my experience with you.

Book in the Spotlight: Lucid by Adrienne Stoltz and Ron Bass

Book in the Spotlight: Lucid by Adrienne Stoltz and Ron Bass

Happy first day of May everyone! To start off this month, I have decided to review the book called Lucid by Adrienne Stolz and Ron Bass. This book is fiction and is considered paranormal. The hardcover version has 343 pages.

This story is about two girls named Maggie and Sloane who live in completely different places, have completely different lives but somehow, they are intertwined into each other's lives.

Maggie is a teenage actress who lives in Manhattan with her mother and her sister. Sloane is a normal teenage girl with a loving family. Both girls have love interests. Maggie's love interests are Andrew and Thomas while Sloane's are James and Gordy.

What intertwines Maggie and Sloane is that at night they dream about each other's lives. They only keep this biggest secret between the two of them in fear that they could lose the people they love most or everyone will think they are crazy. In a way, the two only have each other and have a bond that no one else could quite understand.

I hate to say it, but this book was dragged out for the first three-quarters. It wasn't until the last bit that things actually began to fall into place. The beginning and middle were filled with the dullness of Sloane's daily life and the ridiculousness of Maggie's life for a teenage actress.

It isn't until the last bit of the novel, where I actually got excited. The dullness had been dragged out long enough and the authors finally let us into the madness that should have started from the half-way point. I applaud the authors for keeping me on my toes but it was way too long. The ending tied up the story but I feel that there could have been so much more explained and so much more written.

I would give this novel a 2.5 out of 5. I had high hopes for Lucid but in the end was more disappointed than anything.