I'm the type of person, like many "stereotypical" shy writer types, that although we have a big voice in the literary world when it comes to our writing and the products we write for the world to see, in our real lives, we're quiet, shy, passive. It's hard for us to turn down an opportunity, or better yet, we feel that we need to say "yes" to any and all opportunities because we feel we have to.
Maybe you're not a writer, maybe you're just like anyone else and also feel it hard to say "no" to someone. Has this ever happened to you, even when you didn't want to do something, you felt like you absolutely had to say "yes?"
This was my dilemma when I was going through cancer treatments. As you know, or maybe you don't know, which if that's the case - hi. I had Stage III High-Risk Neuroblastoma, which is a cancer that occurs in children (I must be a giant baby). It usually occurs on the adrenal gland or in the abdomen, etc. Basically, my nerve cells that were supposed to mature and form functioning things in my body, didn't - they stayed immature and formed tumors. Ta-da! Neuroblastoma!
I went through the standard chemotherapy, stem cell transplant, surgeries and radiation that Neuroblastoma patients get but then I was threw for a loop. There was a clinical trial available to patients that qualified called immunotherapy. At the time, I was just happy to have chemo over with, I didn't even bother to look up what this new clinical trial was, but when I did, the results scared me. Immunotherapy, for the short version, is when you are injected with drugs that find cancer cells and destroy them, using your own immune system. It teaches your immune system to fight and destroy these cancer cells. Cool, right?! I thought so too.
I learned pretty fast while going through treatment that I should look up the side effects to any and all drugs that were put in my body, instead of listening to what others had to say. I had already suffered extreme tinnitus (constant ringing in the ears, which also is quite painful!) from one of the chemo drugs, which also resulted in me not being able to take certain antibiotics for the rest of my life. So I learned to watch for dangerous side effects. When I was handed a huge booklet of the potential side effects of immunotherapy, my answer went from "yes" to "no." I knew right then and there that there was no way I was going to go through with the rest of my treatment. Some of the side effects were simple, like dry skin and lips. Okay, I could deal with those, but when I read blindness and that it could stop your heart (AKA, you're dead), my mind did a 360! Yes, this therapy could save my life, but what's a life if you're suffering for the rest of it? Why would I want to go through with it if I already had one problem (cancer) to make more (blindness, lung problems, kidney failure, heart failure, etc.)?! It was out of the question. I didn't want to be a vegetable hooked up to a ventilator or life support.
It was a tough blow for some people that I had come so far in my treatments and I actually surprised myself that I stood up for what I thought was right for myself, after all, I believed everyone else knew what was best for me. But I was just too sick and my body could not handle any more than what it had already endured.
There was no guarantee that this clinical trial would work on me at all. It was a study - a study for babies. I was 20-something at the time.
I guess what I'm trying to say is it's okay to say "no" sometimes when you feel it's best for you, even if it's not what everyone else thinks is best for you. Only you know what you want.
Just some food for thought, so to say. :)
