Life After Cancer - What Now?

What does it mean to go back to normal? What is normal anyway? Normal could mean different things to different people but for those who go through a cancer diagnosis, we know getting a "new" normal can be quite scary, and well, hard to adjust to. We want to be able to do what we once were able to do but the sad truth is our bodies are often not capable to go back to what they were. We suffer from both physical and mental hurtles that make us incapable of going back to the normal we once knew.

That's what its been like for me. I used to be able to spend hours in the gym multiple times a week. I would never get tired so fast as what I do now. Now it's different. I get tired from just walking from one room to another in my house. So now that I'm adjusting to my "new" normal, what's next?

As a cancer survivor, I know the first thing my medical team, family and myself were worried about was getting rid of the disease that was taking control of my body. I mean, I was stage III, there is only up to stage IV. We had to get rid of the crap that was floating around in my body and organs before it spread to be the worst stage. With neuroblastoma, once it spreads to the rest of your organs, there's pretty much no looking back. So now that the initial surviving the disease is over, what now?

I'm sure many cancer survivors wonder this when they get the great news that they're in remission. Everyone always applauds the great news of remission but no one talks about how the side effects of treatment and the aftermath of beating the disease is just as brutal, if not worse than treatments. So what do we do? Where do we go from here? What is our normal?

I think there needs to be more emphasis on the side effects and the "new" normal that cancer survivors will have to go through after their treatments. I think we need to talk about it more and as a community of survivors, we should build off each other and help each other heal and find out what this normalcy is we are all searching for. It could help answer the question "what now?"

I started this blog in 2013 as a way for exposure for my writing. I never thought I would be writing about cancer. And although my blog is focused on books and writing related topics, I think people need to be educated more on cancer and the aftermath of the disease. So if writing this blog with a random cancer blurb from time to time helps someone discover that they're not alone and that we can find our "new" normal, I'll continue writing. After all, the writing community helped me in my darkest times and I'm glad to say that writing will always be my "normal."

Book in the Spotlight: I Am Malala by Malala Yousafzai

Book in the Spotlight: I Am Malala by Malala Yousafzai

July's Book in the Spotlight's blog post is by a guest writer who wishes to remain anonymous. Here is what she has to say about this book.

This month’s book review is of an inspiring young girl that faced all odds to try and push her culture to believing the need for all girls to have an education. She took great risks and stood up against the Taliban and spoke openly of her views of the importance of good education and the important role women play in the future of their country. In doing so, she paid a heavy price of being shot by the Taliban. But she was not one to be silenced and after her recovery she went on to win The Nobel Peace Prize at the age of 17.

Reading this book made me wonder if us, women and young girls in particular, realize how fortunate we are to live in a civilized world - to be able to freely go about our lives, take part in everything around us, have a good education, career, and to be able to speak our minds freely without the fear of being persecuted or killed.

"One child, one teacher, one book, and one pen, can change the world." --From a speech given to the UN Youth Assembly, just nine months after her attempted assassination.

She shows much forgiveness in her struggles after being assassinated. We could all learn from such a brave and courageous young girl.

"If he [the Talib] comes, what would you do Malala? …If you hit a Talib with your shoe, then there will be no difference between you and the Talib. You must not treat others…with cruelty...you must fight others but through peace, through dialogue and through education…then I'll tell him [the Talib] how important education is and that I even want education for your children as well… that's what I want to tell you, now do what you want." --In a Daily Show interview.

This book took some time to get into because I found the writing to be a bit “scrambled” at times – events going from place to place. But eventually it began to flow and it actually became a good read. I am very impressed by this young girl and if ever there was a chance to meet her, I would not hesitate. Every young girl should read this book and thank God that they live in such a free world and to never, ever take anything for granted – especially their education.

I would give this book a 3.5 for the format and written structure, but I would definitely give it a 4.5 for the story.  

It's Okay to Say No...

Just like the title of this post says, it's okay to say "no." Sometimes it's for the better if we say "no" than to worry and wonder what could have happened if we didn't say "yes" to something we didn't want to do.

I'm the type of person, like many "stereotypical" shy writer types, that although we have a big voice in the literary world when it comes to our writing and the products we write for the world to see, in our real lives, we're quiet, shy, passive. It's hard for us to turn down an opportunity, or better yet, we feel that we need to say "yes" to any and all opportunities because we feel we have to. 

Maybe you're not a writer, maybe you're just like anyone else and also feel it hard to say "no" to someone. Has this ever happened to you, even when you didn't want to do something, you felt like you absolutely had to say "yes?"

This was my dilemma when I was going through cancer treatments. As you know, or maybe you don't know, which if that's the case - hi. I had Stage III High-Risk Neuroblastoma, which is a cancer that occurs in children (I must be a giant baby). It usually occurs on the adrenal gland or in the abdomen, etc. Basically, my nerve cells that were supposed to mature and form functioning things in my body, didn't - they stayed immature and formed tumors. Ta-da! Neuroblastoma!

I went through the standard chemotherapy, stem cell transplant, surgeries and radiation that Neuroblastoma patients get but then I was threw for a loop. There was a clinical trial available to patients that qualified called immunotherapy. At the time, I was just happy to have chemo over with, I didn't even bother to look up what this new clinical trial was, but when I did, the results scared me. Immunotherapy, for the short version, is when you are injected with drugs that find cancer cells and destroy them, using your own immune system. It teaches your immune system to fight and destroy these cancer cells. Cool, right?! I thought so too. 

I learned pretty fast while going through treatment that I should look up the side effects to any and all drugs that were put in my body, instead of listening to what others had to say. I had already suffered extreme tinnitus (constant ringing in the ears, which also is quite painful!) from one of the chemo drugs, which also resulted in me not being able to take certain antibiotics for the rest of my life. So I learned to watch for dangerous side effects. When I was handed a huge booklet of the potential side effects of immunotherapy, my answer went from "yes" to "no." I knew right then and there that there was no way I was going to go through with the rest of my treatment. Some of the side effects were simple, like dry skin and lips. Okay, I could deal with those, but when I read blindness and that it could stop your heart (AKA, you're dead), my mind did a 360! Yes, this therapy could save my life, but what's a life if you're suffering for the rest of it? Why would I want to go through with it if I already had one problem (cancer) to make more (blindness, lung problems, kidney failure, heart failure, etc.)?! It was out of the question. I didn't want to be a vegetable hooked up to a ventilator or life support.

It was a tough blow for some people that I had come so far in my treatments and I actually surprised myself that I stood up for what I thought was right for myself, after all, I believed everyone else knew what was best for me. But I was just too sick and my body could not handle any more than what it had already endured.

There was no guarantee that this clinical trial would work on me at all. It was a study - a study for babies. I was 20-something at the time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is it's okay to say "no" sometimes when you feel it's best for you, even if it's not what everyone else thinks is best for you. Only you know what you want. 

Just some food for thought, so to say. :)

Book in the Spotlight: The Princess Bride by William Goldman

Book in the Spotlight: The Princess Bride by William Goldman

For this month's book review, I decided to pick one that is near and dear to my heart - The Princess Bride. I am pretty biased about this book as it is my favorite novel (which is why I've read it seven or so times).

To start, here is the Goodreads summary:

"What happens when the most beautiful girl in the world marries the handsomest prince of all time and he turns out to be...well...a lot less than the man of her dreams?

As a boy, William Goldman claims, he loved to hear his father read the S. Morgenstern classic, The Princess Bride. But as a grown-up he discovered that the boring parts were left out of good old Dad's recitation, and only the "good parts" reached his ears.

Now Goldman does Dad one better. He's reconstructed the "Good Parts Version" to delight wise kids and wide-eyed grownups everywhere.

What's it about? Fencing. Fighting. True Love. Strong Hate. Harsh Revenge. A Few Giants. Lots of Bad Men. Lots of Good Men. Five or Six Beautiful Women. Beasties Monstrous and Gentle. Some Swell Escapes and Captures. Death, Lies, Truth, Miracles, and a Little Sex.

In short, it's about everything."

If you're into adventure and fantasy, this book is for you. It's the one book I could never put down no matter how many times I have read it. It has the ability to intrigue readers of any age.

It is about a girl named Buttercup and her journey to be with her true love, Westley. She is pretty much forced to marry Prince Humperdinck though (she finally gives into it) but when she hears that Westley may be dead, she claims she will never love again.

Buttercup is kidnapped by a trio of bad guys and eventually Westley comes to her rescue and they embark on their journey to escape all the trouble they encounter. 

Undoubtedly, I give this novel a 5 out of 5. It is by far my favorite book. 

Now go get yourself a copy and read! I promise you, you won't be disappointed.

What if...?

The connotation when one thinks of the giant C-word isn't usually a good one. Cancer doesn't present itself at your doorstep in a suit and tie with a bouquet of flowers. It shows up out of nowhere, ready to destroy everything you are.

When I think of cancer, I actually think of a lot of things and one of the biggest things is, what would my life be life if I never had cancer?

Truth is, no one's life is perfect. I think we all know that. Everyone has their problems whether it be at work, at home, at school, illnesses, deaths, breakups, whatever. Each and every person has demons that they face but have you ever really thought about what your life would be like if you never had those issues?

I wonder what mine would be like sometimes if I was never born with cancer - if I were "normal." If I had things my way, I would be an author with an insane amount of books under my belt. I would have three dogs, in a huge house, with a nice car. Maybe a husband. But, reality is that that's not my life.

Life had different plans for me and your life may have different plans for you. Who's to say we shouldn't enjoy how our cards are handed to us, whether we think it sucks or not.

I wonder how my life would have played out if I never had cancer.

I wouldn't be worried about every pain or ache I get in my body. I wouldn't be scared that the cancer could come back and that I'd have to go through treatment again. Every possible pain I get floods my memory with hospitals, needles, my port, chemo...

I wouldn't have lost my long hair. I would have felt like I looked normal.

I wouldn't have gained so much weight after treatment because I would have stayed on my healthy lifestyle that I had made for myself. I wouldn't be beating myself up day in and day out because of my outer appearance post-cancer.

There are a lot of things that I wonder about and how my life would be if I didn't have cancer, but then I remember what cancer has taught me...

Its taught me to be strong. I'm proud to say that I'm one of the strongest people I know.

Its taught me to love each and every day, the good and the bad (and the boring).

I've met some of the most amazing people on the way who have become life-long friends.

I'm proud of the outlook on life cancer has given me. I wouldn't trade that for all the healthy days in the world. It's a blessing to be alive.

Body Image and Cancer

I'm going to go off the grid a little bit today and talk about something non-writing related. Since this blog is aimed at young adult writers (and just young adults in general), I feel that talking about this issue and bringing some light to it could help others who feel the same way and somewhat feel isolated because of their feelings.

*Disclaimer: If you have a weak stomach and don't like to look at "graphic" images, I suggest you leave this post now.*

In a world where body image is the main concern of our society, where exactly do young adults (or any age for that matter) cancer survivors fit into the mix? We're not exactly the cookie-cutter image of good health and beauty. We have scars, implants, bald heads, no eyebrows or eyelashes and the list goes on.

Nobody says they want to look like the "ideal cancer patient." Nobody wants to look weak and frail or so blown up from steroids that they can't recognize themselves in the mirror anymore. Beauty falls on the celebrities or your hottest friend who just dropped 50lbs (that she certainly didn't need to lose in the first place). Women want to have long, luscious hair that reaches their butts. We all want abs of steel and will sweat out countless hours in the gym every day just to make some attempt to get them.

I know when I was first diagnosed, the fear of losing my hair was one of the scariest thoughts that ran through my head. Now looking back I'd like to slap myself. Oh silly me. My looks were the very first thing that popped into my head - not my impending health with a very real chance of dying. Nope, my long, beautiful brown hair was my first concern.

After my first surgery I had a giant scar running down my stomach. One of my first reactions when the bandage was removed was "I'll never wear a bikini again." Seriously, that was all I cared about, not the fact that the surgeons had just removed some of my cancer - I was worried about what kind of bathing suit would cover up my scar.

This scar had consumed my mind. All I wanted was some Bio-Oil or some magical cream to cover up the hideous cut that ran across the stomach I had worked so hard to get (after losing 50+ lbs).

My second surgery was the exact same thing, except this time, I was worried about how ugly the scar would look since the doctors would be cutting into the same place they had cut the first time. How much uglier could my stomach get?

The cancer wasn't my first worry which it should have been, but of course, being a 20-something year old, my health wasn't my first issue. I had plenty of years left to worry about my health. I was young, fit and had a whole life ahead of me. I needed to look half-decent, right? Oh silly me again.

Once the bandage came off from my second surgery, I couldn't help but feel utter disgust for myself. Whatever the doctors had done to my previously gross stomach, they turned it into a hack-job this time. My belly button was no longer a belly button, only a slit in my stomach (hello naval reconstruction!) and my scar was longer than before. The staples they used to close me up were messy and I just wasn't a happy camper. I started Googling stomach reconstruction in Canada.

The thought of my selfishness at the time makes me want to slap myself. Here I was, laying in a hospital bed with the people who loved me the most surrounding me and all I cared about was how my vanity would be affected. I hadn't even thought about the aggressive treatments that were around my corner in the months/year to follow. I hadn't thought about how I might potentially die. I mean, I was 20-something, I was invincible, right? Wrong. I wasn't. I had cancer and the truth was, death could quite possible be right around the corner for me but in this beauty and body image consumed world, I fell short of being the "ideal cancer patient" that was supposed to "help others." I was self-absorbed.

After a while, things started changing. I started chemotherapy and before I knew it, my long locks were cut to the floor and I was sporting a pixie cut. I had never had short hair and to be honest, it was kind of a relief to not have such heavy hair dragging on my head. But at that time, I would have given anything to have it back.

The short pixie cut soon became handfuls of hair on my pillow, in the sink, even in my mouth?! Enough was enough. Trying to look like a "normal" girl my age just wasn't possible for me. It was time to look like a cancer patient. I knew the inevitable was upon me.

So I shaved my head. It was one of the most awkward times of my life. Never had I remotely come close to having no hair. My beauty standards were officially out the window.
It wasn't long before my eyelashes and eyebrows had no hope of their own. They were soon to follow which meant I would have to use a ton of eyeliner and eyebrow pencil to make myself look like I had somewhat of a normal face. Fake eyelashes just weren't a possibility for me. They should have a cancer beauty school where they teach you to do these things, sigh.

After a while, I got used to the bald-headed me and started to go out in public (when I wasn't in the hospital) without my wig. I started to embrace the fact that this was me and this was the way I looked now, so I might as well rock it. And rock it I did. I had a pretty sweet bald head and if people stared, I would either be extremely ballsy and stare back with a type of hey-whatchu-looking-at face or I'd simply ignore them. I knew what they were thinking - "Does she have cancer? Oh poor girl." Boo hoo, poor me right? Society felt terrible for me. I felt terrible for society that I didn't fit the standards of what "normal" was. I wasn't your cookie-cutter 20-something year old. My hair was no longer down to my butt and I didn't have the perfect body. I felt bad for how people think they have to look a certain way in order to feel beautiful. For the first time, I felt beautiful as a cancer patient and I continued to barely ever wear a wig.

They don't tell you when you get your port or lines put in how to "style" them. "How am I supposed to hide these tubes coming out of my chest?" They don't teach you how to cover your scars or how to explain to people why you have these devices planted inside you. Ports and lines are the fashion of the cancer world (along with your awesome bald head, of course). I remember comparing with tons of cancer patients I met along the way what kind of line we had. But they all had one thing in common, they wanted to cover up their scars. Instead of being proud that they didn't have to get their veins poked and prodded with needles anymore and this device was ultimately saving their lives, they were worried about how to hide it. Yet again, society's standards wins.

I didn't know "chemo nails" were a thing until I discovered them on my own. My fingernails and toenails would split, crack, make lines on their own, everything...it was a mess. I talked to one of my cancer pals about it and she said she would cover them up with nail polish. Easy solution. Conforming to society again.

All in all, I learned that society is what is ugly. No matter what you look like - if you're black, white, 400lbs, 50lbs, cancer patient, etc. it doesn't matter. Everyone is beautiful in their own skin. Never conform to someone else's standards of what they think you should look like. That is what is wrong with the world today. We feel like we need to conform to the standards of how we should look.

I challenge you to look in the mirror and be happy with how you look, not just today, but every day. If you are healthy, that's all that matters. And remember, you are ALWAYS beautiful no matter what.

No Pain, No Gain

Cancer was brought into my life at the most awkward time - I was in university studying English Language and Literature, hoping to pursue a degree in Secondary Education so I could teach high school then the C-bomb came along.

Cancer popped up again after my life had taken a different direction and I had finished college for a hairstyling diploma. There it was again, peeping its ugly head around the corner.

I'm not going to rant about my cancer story (and for those of you who call it a 'journey', stop now. It ain't no journey). That's for a different post. I wanted to bring up the topic that falls heavily into my cancer story and that is that I actually wrote about it. For Camp NaNoWriMo this past April, I wrote a novel called "Sh!t Happens." Yes, it has the word shit in the title. Get over it.

I was constantly told during my treatments that since I'm a writer, I should try writing about my experience with cancer. At the time, the last thing I wanted to do was write about being sick all the time. I had to live it each day so the furthest thing from my mind was putting it into words when I could barely write things I wanted to write in the first place.

My first manuscript that I started in 2013 was put on hold during my struggle with cancer. It irritated me so much that cancer could so easily take away something I worked so hard on for so long and there was nothing I could do to fight back. Every single time I thought about trying to write my manuscript, I couldn't because it was not my best work. I didn't want to write something if I wasn't 100% into it. I didn't want to write pure shit. But that's what it was becoming on those rare few days when I could manage to sit at my laptop and hit the keys on my keyboard. It was total garbage.

I went into a state of depression. Everyone thought I was depressed because of the cancer, the fact that I was dying and all the brutal side effects that came with it. Yes, that upset me but in all honesty, I was more upset about the fact that I could die knowing that I never finished my manuscript. It sounds stupid and that I should have been more focused on my health rather than my writing but when you're put in the cancer shoes, nothing matters to you only your one true love - mine was (and is) writing.

Days spent in hospital beds turned into long nights thinking about characters and plot development and how I may not get to finish telling my story that I had worked so hard and so long on. It had to be finished, that's all I cared about.

While everyone was focused on me, I was focused on my main characters, Cleo and Asha. As much as my life needed to be saved - I needed to save theirs in my novel.

Time went on and now looking back, I realize that through all my struggles with getting cancer at the age of nineteen and finishing treatments close to my twenty-third birthday had led me to this point. It made me see that I was born to do this. I was born to write and tell the story of Cleo and Asha.

I'm happy to say that as of this day, Cleo and Asha's story is in the editing process and I am currently working on query letters (if you don't know what that is, check out my other blog posts).

But with all that being said, I flash-backed to the time when everyone would tell me to write my cancer story and I actually managed to do that last month. After some time of healing and being able to talk about my struggle, I finally put it into words.

I learned that without my pain, there would be no gain of this story to have been written. I wrote about my neuroblastoma and how many people don't know about it and how it does happen in adults. Maybe some day there will be a cure, but right now I'm happy I'm alive and able to share my experience with you.

Book in the Spotlight: Lucid by Adrienne Stoltz and Ron Bass

Book in the Spotlight: Lucid by Adrienne Stoltz and Ron Bass

Happy first day of May everyone! To start off this month, I have decided to review the book called Lucid by Adrienne Stolz and Ron Bass. This book is fiction and is considered paranormal. The hardcover version has 343 pages.

This story is about two girls named Maggie and Sloane who live in completely different places, have completely different lives but somehow, they are intertwined into each other's lives.

Maggie is a teenage actress who lives in Manhattan with her mother and her sister. Sloane is a normal teenage girl with a loving family. Both girls have love interests. Maggie's love interests are Andrew and Thomas while Sloane's are James and Gordy.

What intertwines Maggie and Sloane is that at night they dream about each other's lives. They only keep this biggest secret between the two of them in fear that they could lose the people they love most or everyone will think they are crazy. In a way, the two only have each other and have a bond that no one else could quite understand.

I hate to say it, but this book was dragged out for the first three-quarters. It wasn't until the last bit that things actually began to fall into place. The beginning and middle were filled with the dullness of Sloane's daily life and the ridiculousness of Maggie's life for a teenage actress.

It isn't until the last bit of the novel, where I actually got excited. The dullness had been dragged out long enough and the authors finally let us into the madness that should have started from the half-way point. I applaud the authors for keeping me on my toes but it was way too long. The ending tied up the story but I feel that there could have been so much more explained and so much more written.

I would give this novel a 2.5 out of 5. I had high hopes for Lucid but in the end was more disappointed than anything. 

Book in the Spotlight: Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr

Book in the Spotlight: Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr

On today's blog, I decided to approach it a little differently with a book review. I recently finished reading Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr. It was both humorous and inspirational.

Kris Carr was diagnosed with an incurable and inoperable cancer called epithelioid hemangioendothelioma. A rare vascular cancer affecting the lining of the blood vessels in her liver and lungs. Unfortunately for Kris, she was stage four (there is no stage five).

Kris decided to take her health into her own hands. Once she found out the news, she went directly to Whole Foods, an organic health food store. She drastically changed the way she ate - only anything leafy and green.

Sadly, Kris would have to live with the cancer for the rest of her life. She made the most of her situation and that's when she decided to document her experiences with cancer. 

In her book, Kris brings her readers along on a wild ride of all the emotional and physical ups and downs of having cancer. She provides her experiences with her disease along with input from other cancer survivors. She even made her health roller coaster into a film! How bad-ass of a survivor is she?!

Readers learn tips and tricks that can help them in their process and adjusting to life with a disease, from a rare cancer like Kris' to the more common cancers. She provides advice from things such as what to eat, how to get in tune with your spiritual side, to how being bald is beautiful and how to still have (or chose not to have) a relationship with someone while going through cancer.

Kris' writing style was both hilarious and serious. She takes a crappy situation and turns it into something both silly and that her readers can relate to.

Although the book is targeted at people (young adults) going through cancer treatments, it is good insight for people that are playing the role as caregiver. It's also good for family, friends or partners to read.

Personally, I liked how she wrote about all aspects of going through cancer - not just treatments. She provided examples from real people who went through real experiences.

I disliked how she focused a lot on eating organically. Yes, this may be possible for some people and her personal type of cancer, but like most cancers, we don't get away as lucky as she did (she didn't have any treatments). I'm not saying she's lucky by any means, she did have cancer after all, rather, I'm saying is her experience was different than most. Most people go through brutal chemo (myself included), radiation, surgeries, etc. and all they want to do is vomit or eat excessively because of their treatments (steroids for the win!). In reality, no one really has time to go out and buy fresh produce and make sure it is indeed organic when the majority of your time is stuck in a hospital bed. But, if you can and want to, all the power to you!

Overall, the book was very informative and I did learn a lot about different people's roads to recovery with cancer. I enjoyed that it was targeted for young adult women - that's something we don't always find easily. 

I would give this book a 3.5 out of 5. It certainly provided lots of insight! 

The Writing Process

I often get asked a lot of questions from people I know about book publishing - "What's a manuscript?" "What's a beta reader?" "When will your book be published?" etc. I wish it were just one easy answer but for us writers, we know it's far from just 'writing a book and publishing it.'

There are a ton of steps in which a writer has to go through in order to be published and it often takes a very long time to get published. Here, I'm going to explain the writing and publishing process.

The first step is pretty obvious - have an idea and write your first draft. It's definitely not as easy as it sounds. First drafts take a lot of time and frustration. It takes constant outlines, plot and chapter summaries, character sketches, etc. only to go back and change it multiple times.

The next step would be to get beta readers (you could do this before or after your editing, in my opinion). Beta readers are people that you trust the most to read your manuscript and get their opinions on it. Your manuscript goes through a 'trial,' and your beta readers are the first to test the waters.

Once the first draft of the WIP (work in progress) is done, then comes the editing. This is probably the longest (and my most hated) part of the writing process. The writer or their editor, or often times, a combination of both, must comb through the draft very carefully. This means editing everything from the content itself to copy editing, line editing, etc.

Now that all the editing is done and your WIP is ready to be submitted to an agent! Yahoo! You will need to write a query letter to an agent to see if they will represent your work. This can take an awfully long time and will often lead to lots of rejections.

Once you find an agent, they will work with you to get your book published with a publishing house. With any luck, your WIP will be picked up by a great publisher.